The musings of andywg
What a bank holiday weekend

The entire weekend so far has been spent writing up all my revision notes for my final exam in just over three weeks.  And I mean starting work in the morning and finishing well after 9pm.  So much for a bank holiday weekend together with Ems…

Haven’t had time to exercise, though as I live in the West Country it has been shit weather every day.

And as I write this, the rain starts falling down.

There was discussion a couple of weeks ago about possibly moving to South East London.  Right now I am really reaching out to hoping that will take place.  Not only do I love London, but it would be a little over 11 miles door to door.  That’s cycle and run to work with no public transport territory and still have a shorter commute than I do now!

One step at a time though.  First up is getting through this exam…

So back to writing up notes I guess

Minor plus point is that despite no exercise my weight has fallen back from 82.6 to 82kg.  My best times were between 72 and 75kg so plenty still to lose, but at least I am under 13 stone again (12 stone 12lb to be precise)

Backwards at a rate of knots

Today I decided, that since I had finally got back to training with regularity (as the below shows) that I would weigh myself

Turns out I weigh 82.6kg.  That’s over 13 stone.  I looked back at my (admittedly erratic) weight tracking on Garmin.  Turns out I have never weighted this much.  And that goes back to December 2010.

At the same time I found myself looking at my run commutes from when I Was running to work from Liverpool Street in 2012.  I was running most of them at about 8:00 and under pace.

So I am now heavier than I have been in over 3.5 years and running much slower than I was 2 years ago.

Once more, I find myself wondering why I bother.

Body Images

OK, I have decided to steal some time from study which is just killing me right now to post where things are.

As you will have seen, I had my MRI.  Turns out that when the shoulder dislocated the humerus smashed into the socket breaking off the front tip of the cartilage like soft tissue around the socket.  This has then reset in the wrong place and caused the already stretched capsule et al to be in the wrong place.  To quote the consultant I am “clinically unstable”…

To make matters more fun, when the arm dislocated the smashing of the arm into the socket has put a hefty dent into the humerus which may require work.  In the image below (viewing the joint from below, so like looking up my arm bone), the bone should be a complete circle of orange(ish) so that intrusion of bluey stuff is not welcome.  The damage to the socket is the blue part just across the red at 3 o’ clock on the humerus.

The downside to this is it would change the surgery from keyhole to open surgery.

The formal diagnosis  for those of you with a medical bent are a large Hill-Sachs lesion and an abnormality of the labrum anteroinferiorly (the labrum is not fully torn, but is “certainly not normal”).  The procedure will intend to be a labral repair but if it is the bone then it will move to a Laterjet procedure which, having read about it, seems pretty serious and will end up with more screws holding my body together..

And to think, all this from one mis-step when running…

So I am going under the knife in October.  It could have been this Monday just gone but my calendar is crappy with exams and work before a holiday so I am stuck with October.  Importantly it is long enough before my wedding that it will not impact on that.

And in the meantime I am back running, though there is one area where I am ultra cautious these days!  Sadly the runs feel like they are getting slower and harder and I am seriously not feeling the love.  And to make matters worse, the only comments I ever hear on my image these days is that I look like I am getting fatter.  Indeed, every time I look in the windows as I run, all I can see is my belly protruding over the straps of my bag.  Worse is knowing that even if I somehow manage to control my weight through running in the next couple of months, I will then go under the knife and have to start again.  Due the shoulder not being stable I can’t really do any weights or swimming to work on my upper body to improve the physique generally.

Kind of makes me wonder why I bother.  If running isn’t much fun and isn’t stopping me get out of shape, what am I doing it for other than being too tight to pay to get across London or just walk?

I would ponder it further but I now need to go to bed to get up at 4 to get into London and run, work my arse off, run again, get the train home, then study and not get to have any life or even spend time with the woman I plan to marry.  Somehow it feels something is out of balance here.

OMG, looking at ALL the MRI pics at once in fancy colours.  No idea really what I am looking at, but is awesome to see my own diaphragm and heart imaged up alongside umpteen views of my shoulder!

OMG, looking at ALL the MRI pics at once in fancy colours.  No idea really what I am looking at, but is awesome to see my own diaphragm and heart imaged up alongside umpteen views of my shoulder!

First picture shows that if you remove all my skin and fat I am pretty ripped.

Second picture shows (I think) some fairly serious damage by way of tearing and fraying.

Third picture is me in amazing fashion.

I am still well happy with private compared to NHS. On NHS I would still be waiting for my MRI until mid September. With private I first called on Tuesday, got a consultant appointment Friday afternoon, they booked me the MRI for this morning and then they have me tomorrow afternoon for a follow up.

Hopefully soon (tomorrow?) I will get the operation date and then I can leave this limbo and recovery can begin.

Short version

Shoulder is fucked and unstable and defo needs an operation

Have to go private as NHS wouldn’t even have scan to find out if surgery is needed until mid September.

Running not comfortable enough and lack of long run training means the Neon Thames Challenge is cancelled.

I feel like a failure

I can’t lose weight or get in shape

I feel lethargic most the time and can’t control my eating

I am sick and tired of the studying and there always being something wrong. I would just like a couple of weeks of no more crises. Is that too much to ask? Yes, apparently.

Thank god ejs1981 said yes and I have something to look forward to, our marriage!

So, at least there is some good and it outweighs the rest. Shame my mind doesn’t always think like that.

And how amusing that all winter my mental health prevented me training as I wanted and now through out summer my physical health does the same.

For fucks sake tumblr

I was going to update the blog on where I am but the app ate my draft without saving it. This is one of the reasons I don’t bother so much with my tumblr. anymore. So much wasted time on writing a post only for it to disappear.

That and if I did post it would all just be whiney.

This may have happened today… :D

This may have happened today… :D

You have a beautiful scapula

Why thank you! :D

Stupid arm! You are meant to be in that empty socket, not down the bottom lying on my rib cage! No wonder it hurt when I tried to walk it off!

Stupid arm! You are meant to be in that empty socket, not down the bottom lying on my rib cage! No wonder it hurt when I tried to walk it off!